Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
