Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You made out with two different species that night
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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