I cannot find my penis.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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