So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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