oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
