He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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