I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
