Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
