i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
