people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
you never un-have a 4some
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
