i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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