Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
