What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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