be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
