I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
