There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
