Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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