Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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