right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think your dad took our porno
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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