My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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