we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
