I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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