do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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