I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
don't judge my taste in strippers
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
