I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
