I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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