I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
