oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
