I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
