I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
