I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
