And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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