Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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