Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
