for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
