mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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