I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
