Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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