Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
i believe in u and ur pee
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
