I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
