I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
