she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
