My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
