So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
