this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
