i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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