Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
