I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
