I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
