Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
