U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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