Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
